Monthly Archives: July 2006

Hier kommt die Maus!

We were sitting in K and A’s living room when one of their cats brought up what we thought was a toy mouse from the basement. Kitty dropped it onto the floor and when it started moving, we realized it was real. Seeing this, A picked up Kitty and K went for the mouse. His plan was to grab it by the tail and take it outside. Mouse panicked and took off motoring across the living room floor, at one point running under AK, who was sitting on the floor and leaning on the couch, and caused me to retract completely onto my chair and mutter something that sounded suspiciously like “oh, fuck this”.

Mouse headed into K’s office, 90 degrees off of the living room. K started after it, grabbing a nine iron en route. AK got up from the floor and went after K. He’s immediately followed by A, who’s still holding and praising Kitty for catching the mouse. I stayed on my chair, exchanging glances with the other cat, Sheba. (Hers said “ew, a mouse. Gross.”)

After a few moments I went in to see what was going on. K and AK had Mouse cornered between the wall and bookcase, K keeping it there with the club. The “catch” part of their catch and release plan was lacking terribly, though, and they had no idea of how to get Mouse out of the corner. A was still holding a struggling Kitty, who looked at me like “If this crazy woman would put me down I could help here”.

The cat made it to the floor and into the narrow opening when Mouse was. Totally desperate at this point, Mouse made a run for it and chanced going under Kitty. It worked – Mouse had four or five catless seconds to run. Kitty finally saw it again and chased it down one side of the hallway and back up the other before making the capture. A then scooped Kitty up, causing her to drop Mouse. K bent down and reached for the tail and Mouse made one final attempt at freedom, only to run head (nose?) first into a shelving unit. K grabbed it by the tail and took it outside.

Just like in a cartoon. Only funnier.

PennDOT Permanently Closes All PA Highways

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation announced yesterday that it will permanently close all limited-access highways within the borders of the Commonwealth in order to reduce confusion among drivers.

Officials last week received the results of a comprehensive traffic engineering study, which looked at road usage rates, safety concerns, and driver frustration and satisfaction levels. The study indicated that Pennsylvania drivers would best be served by simply closing all the highways all the time.

“With the current state of Pennsylvania’s highway system, at least half of all of our limited access highways are under construction at any given time,” said Coneman, PennDOT’s official spokesman and scapegoat. “This results in enormous levels of frustration for drivers, having to always wonder if the highways along their routes are open, restricted, or closed, and trying to plan accordingly.”

PennDOT’s new plan, says Coneman, will eliminate this uncertainty and frustration.

“Now instead of having to worry and wonder about whether their highway will be open or not, drivers can feel confident in knowing that the road will be closed.”

Money that was previously allotted for highway construction and maintenance will be used for a number of purposes. At least half of those funds are expected to be used for road signs to clearly mark the closed on and off ramps and alert drivers to potential hazards on side streets, such as traffic lights, stop signs, and houses. Some money will remain in the budget for highway maintenance.

“Just because nobody is using the roads doesn’t mean they don’t need to be maintained,” said Coneman.

The state also hopes to generate additional income by offering tours of the closed Fort Pitt and Squirrel Hill Tunnels. While most Pittsburgh-area residents are all too familiar with the tunnels, PennDOT hopes to attract tourists by telling them that the tunnels are haunted by the spirits of drivers who starved to death while stuck in tunnel traffic.

“It’s not exactly Moundsville,” said Coneman. “But who wants to take the time to drive all the way to West Virginia, especially now that there are no highways?”

Thanks to CT for contributing.  Visit her at http://ruffian706.blogspot.com

A brief jaunt into a friend’s array of personalities. He’s a fun kind of crazy.

M,

Thank you, from the heart of my bottom, for remembering me in the upcoming “National Mental Health Care” week.

Just wanted to let you know, I’ll be cooking the groundhog I found along the road, as a feast, if you and your friends would like to come over.

Randy#2: I thought you were inviting only me?
Randy#1: Shut up, she’s a girl, and she’s cute. There’s plenty of groundhog for all of us.
HarryCarry: Can I bring up the Budwiser? Hhhhhmmnmmpppphhhhh…..never mind, I just brought it up already, and it’s all over my shirt.
CosmicEntity: Greetings from KPAX. The produce alone would be worth the trip.
Archer: Who said I was UNSTABLE?
Randy#2: M said that, that’s why she emailed me.
Randy#1: You mean she emailed me….
Randy#2: No, asshole, she sent it to me…so f@%# off.
HarryCarry: Hello, Fight Fans! Looks like we got a brew-hah-hah starting! And speaking of Brew, tonight’s fight is brought to you by WiseBudBeer, The King of Queens!

Collective Voice: Ohm, ohm, ohm. Cerulian Blue Sky. Cerulian Blue Sky. Cerulian Blue Sky.

Randy#1, Randy#2, HarryCarry, CosmicEntity, Archer: Thanks, we’re feeling much better now. And we will mail you some of the Groundhog. Remember, stability is only a State of Mind!

The End.