Currently homesick for something, somewhere, or some time, though I can’t put a name to what it is, what I want, or how to get past it.
I heard Nora Roberts on NPR’s Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me a while ago. During the interview, she said she thought everyone made up stories in their head but learned that it wasn’t the case.
News to me was that it wasn’t the case.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had narratives in my head. Random characters, people I knew, and characters from TV or books all had been featured at some point in various daydreams.
I’ve been able to build on that through Obi’s presence online. He’s such a strong character that sometimes he doesn’t fit it at Scouts. There’s a level of catness to him that the others don’t have, nor do they seem to understand. But I like him. And I’m not going to change him fundamentally.
My new goal is to get these narratives out of me head and onto paper. Someone may be interested in reading them, even if that someone is only myself. How bad can they be?
Three years ago, I hosted a small-ish dinner party. One of the guests was someone I hadn’t seen in while, after some past bullshit drama to which I was, through no fault of my own, an indirect participant. They brought a wonderful housewarming gift: A bottle of 2012 La Grêle.
Unfamiliar with this wine, I researched and learned that on July 1st, 2012, a hailstorm “of incredible violence” destroyed everything on the Chateau de Roquefort’s 62 acres. Everything. In seven minutes, the entire 2012 harvest was gone. Neighbors and fellow growers stopped by and were shocked by the damage. One offered part of a crop, a second followed suit, then a third, then a … well, fast forward to thirty-seven.
It’s a blend of carignan, cinsault, grenache, mourvedre, merlot, cabernet sauvignon, syrah and rolle – all of the different grapes from all the different people who banded together to help out someone in the face of adversity.
So, when and where do I drink it? When is the right time for a bottle of wine that you’re ‘saving’ for the right (perfect?) occasion?
Well, let me tell you:
You are selfish.
You use people for personal gain.
You do not keep your word.
You do not respect people.
You do not value friendships, fraternal teammate bonds, or partnerships.
What you’re missing is this: Real love doesn’t divide. It multiplies. Or as Larkin said, “What will survive of us is love”.
And it’s very true.
You are no longer in my life.
I have the honor of sharing a friendship with one the best people in the world. It’s an amazing bond borne out of love, respect, and understanding. They have since married a wonderful individual who loves me almost as much as they do. And I love that individual that much, as well.
For that, I thank you.
Like many others, I keep my generic everydays interesting, at times, with daydreams. When I’m too tired, I lose those daydreams. And when I lose those daydreams, I have a terrible time dealing with the mundane everyday minutiae.
I should be able to focus and for a while, I can. A few weeks aren’t a problem – it’s when the mundane-ness drags on and on that I lose it. So what does one do when there’s no daydream to get you through?
I’ve been doing this for ten years.
This is post 477. Counting Obi’s posts, it’s post 513. Some of them were even read! By people!
It blows my mind; I really don’t know what to say.I wish I’d written more. I hope I captured at least some of the important things that happened. I know I’ve written damn near a million things in my head that never made it to the screen. (Maybe I should use the voice recorder on my phone. Maybe that the difference between good writers and the rest of it – they write down their moments of brilliance while the rest of us just forget them.)
… but I don’t remember where is was printed or the name of the author. All I have is this summary:
Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. There will be tough times, but it’s worth it. It builds character and teaches compassion.
Figure out what you love and own it completely. Try everything. See what makes your heart swell and then go do it. Find out everything you can about it. Find other people who love it, too. Love what you love and be yourself. You end up with people who genuinely fit that way.
Nothing valuable is made without making mistakes. Not a painting, not a relationship, not a career, and definitely not a life. If you wait until you have it all figured out to try, you will be waiting forever.
Respect yourself. Demand it from others. Speak clearly and keep your head up. Stand up for what you believe. Make choices that you feel good about. And if someone in your life is being disrespectful‚ call them on it. If it doesn’t change, limit the amount of time and influence they have in your life. We need people in our lives that challenge us and disagree with us, so we can learn new perspectives; we don’t need to be constantly torn down by people who don’t respect us.
The first person who catches your eye isn’t “The One.” And probably not the second, third or fourth either. You know why? Because you are the one. Love isn’t something out there somewhere that someone else can give to you.
You’re going to meet many amazing people in your life, and I hope that at least once you meet someone to share that love with and truly find partnership. Before you do, fall in love with your own life, because no one else can do that for you.
Love is not romance is not chemistry is not love. You are going to explore this part of your life with people who aren’t in it for the long haul and that is not a bad thing. Life is a series of stories with fascinating intersections. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a chapter. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over and let go gracefully.
Kindness is always an appropriate response.
Real maturity is letting go of what doesn’t work and being open to try something else.
It’s never too late to live a life that makes you proud. We get one shot at this. There’s no age limit on changing course, and to settle with a life that isn’t authentic is a tragic waste.
Scott Fitzgerald said it best:
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
Go make brilliant mistakes and fall in love with your life.
“Happiness depends on ourselves,” she wrote. “Maybe it’s not about the happy ending. Maybe it’s about the story.”